Saturday, October 22, 2011

10/22/11 (1st) - I'm Not Lost. I'm Exploring.

I created this blog today because I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm talking about my life - not technology. Somewhere, somehow, something in the Universe, at 3 a.m. in the morning, told me to create a blog. A blog was the last thing on my mind, never even considered it, didn't know how to do it, but here I go. I usually call those moments "God Nods," but I hesitate to be that emphatic out of fear that I'll sound insane. Which, by the way, did I mention it's 3 in the morning and I don't know what I'm doing? LOL.

Searching. Meandering. Wandering. Again. Been here so many times I should have a permanent bruise on my forehead from hitting that brick wall so hard, so often. For example, in the late 90's I was taking a friend to the DFW airport. She was probably regretting her choice for a ride, but she listened patiently as I droned on and on. I was performing the already familiar, same song & dance exactly as I am now. "I feel so lost!" I exclaimed. Just as I wailed my announcement, we saw that the car in front of us had this bumper sticker: "I'm Not Lost. I'm Exploring."  My friend just cackled!  It turns out that the bumper sticker is actually the name of a song. Also turns out that less than a year later, I had the extreme privilege of hearing the song performed and I met the singer/songwriter and brilliant artist responsible for that bumper sticker: Jana Stanfield. What a treat.

From the day I first saw that bumper sticker to the day I attended the concert and met Jana Stanfield, my life had changed. That was almost 15 years ago and to be honest, I can't even remember what was so bad OR what had changed to make life so great. That's the point of this blog.

My life has been lived in fragmented, truncated segments sandwiched between being lost in a chrysalis to soaring effortlessly in elation. If one compares my life to a book being written, then the segments would be chapters. Sometimes they're extremely short, a quick read and you move on to the next. Sometimes they're brutally long, and seem to go on and on and on and on and on. Well, you get my drift.

I'm in one of those perpetual chapters now. By the way, with the ending of each chapter in my life, I usually leave good things behind along with anything else that got pruned. The good, the bad, the ugly - if you will. And sometimes with the good, there is actual glory, grace and beauty lost. Such was the case with my friend I drove to the airport that day we saw the bumper sticker. A few years later she ended up moving to California, and as it goes more times than not in my life, I lost touch with her. Becky Davis, you are missed. And still loved.

It occurs to me the only consistency in my life is this pattern of dichotomous living. Stops and starts, backups, retries, do overs, recalibration. Dead-ends, mountain tops, valleys, smooth sailing, land mines, quicksand, soaring. An extremely affluent life in country clubs, private jets and satin sheets. Or, barely making it month to month wondering how I'm going to keep the water or electricity on or both, and scrambling to come up with reconnect fees when I don't. Excellent health and physically active - scuba diving, motorcycle driving, sports, and hikes with my dogs verses being agoraphobic, depressed or catatonic. I'm also a traumatic brain injury survivor; came out of a coma after the incident and years later overcame repeated seizures that manifested from the same injury. Thank God I can manage the seizures and none of these ailments disable me today, but they are a part of my life in segmented chapters.

I've also been (and am) extremely loved, and blessed with the most amazing people you would ever want to meet. I have a wonderful support system, a close family and many friends - absent and present. I've also had more than my share of tumultuous relationships and toxic friendships. I'm a survivor of childhood abuse and in my young adult life, domestic violence. I've lived on a farm and gathered eggs and rode horses. I know how to slop the hogs, milk a cow and gather hay. I have also lived in major metroplexes, and am equally comfortable attending balls and fundraisers. I absolutely love fishing from the bank with a cork and I must admit, sailing in a yacht on the Caribbean ain't too shabby either. I like reading, writing and being alone, and I enjoy parties and social gatherings. I've been a follower and teacher of religion, and I've been spiritual (and no, they are not always the same nor are they necessarily simpatico), and I've been an outright derelict and heathen - including drugs and alcohol. I've been skinny. I've been fat. I can look like a bag lady to the point that casual or business acquaintances wouldn't recognize me (I hope), but I clean up 'real good', especially if you allow for the age factor. We won't even get in to the many different jobs I've had. Yet.

SO, I CREATED THIS BLOG. I'm going to work it all out here. And lucky you. You chose to follow it.

I warned you. I'm currently in one of those long, droning chapters. God, help me get out of this! What's next? Where am I supposed to be? Why do I keep doing this? 4 years ago I had a good job, owned my own home and was married. Now I can barely pay the rent and I'm starting over with nothing. Again. And yes, I realize there are millions in this economy that can say the same thing. But can they list dichotomies such as the ones I've mentioned above? That go back to their earliest memory? Probably not. Their one, albeit tragic life split from their norm, does not compare. And I'm talking quantity only here. Someone should probably tally the opposing differences as I go on this blog journey. Compared to others that have lost everything due to the economy, I bet the score would be, oh, I don't know, 400:1? I'm just saying odds are that I would be in this predicament anyway, with or without external factors. The common denominator is me.

I'm going to close with a familiar saying, "Thank God I'm not who I used to be, but I'm not yet who I'm supposed to be either." Or something like that. All I know is that if I don't break the pattern of dissension, I'll never have the life I want. God has given me hopes and dreams. I envision them. What does it say about me that I'm investing in a blog to help me get there?

8 comments:

  1. All I can cuz is WOW.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Gloria! I love, love, love that your my 1st follower. xo

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "I'm starting over with nothing. Again" That's not true,you start again with more experience.More adventures,a brand new project.Isn't this exciting? See you on the road, Madame.Cheer up!

    ReplyDelete
  5. @ Outsiplout - always love to hear from you, and since you follow my blog you know that I cheered up a LOT since 1st creating my blog on 10/22. What a blessing this has been. Yes, yes, very exciting. I am very happy. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sometimes i come back here and read about my life.Be strong for us.Patrick
    PS I don't know why i fund this blog (you). Thank's Glenn, forever.

    ReplyDelete
  7. @ Patrick - one of the sweetest comments ever. Keep coming back my friend. I'm hangin in. xxo, Debra

    ReplyDelete