I absolutely love and appreciate the encouragement I am getting. Not only from friends and family but from those of you on the internet that I may never even get to meet face-to-face. I would like to think that I would accomplish my goals NMW, but the truth is, I don't think I could do this without you. The support and reassuring comments help more than you can imagine. Thanks fellow bloggers and followers!
As for today's title, I have SO much to do. SO much to correct and overcome. Transitioning to a mobile life off the grid would be daunting under the best of circumstances, but I just now cleaned up my online bill pay accounts. This morning! Sunday, 11/20/11! Unbelievable!
You're probably asking, "What's the big deal?"
Well, allow me to tell you. ;)
In 2008 I was having seizures and long periods of unresponsiveness. At first they thought it was due to transient ischemic attacks (TIAs), mini-strokes. And in some ways that was true but they finally traced the problem back to my traumatic brain injury 10 years prior, 10/22/11 (1st) - I'm Not Lost, I'm Exploring. It had to do with scar tissue, blood flow to the brain, a diminished hippocampus and a whole bunch of other boring details from which I will spare you.
Bottom line, I had 2 choices: minor brain surgery & traditional treatment with medicine, or nothing and take my chances on the continued blackouts and seizures. The treatment was not guaranteed and I love how they classify it as "minor" while at the same time reviewing the worst case scenario with you. Then there's always the fun part of signing the tons of releases that indicate if the surgery doesn't work, you might lose your faculties and remain a babbling idiot. Nice.
So I went through weeks of testing, repeated hospital stays and finally opted to try. Obviously I am very blessed that the surgery & litany of ensuing pills did their job. I no longer have to take them, and am for the most part, symptom free and rarely have seizures anymore. Can I get a big hallelujah from the rafters here?
But I digress. While paying bills this morning, I was able to delete old "Pay To" accounts. Some of them had been on record since 2005, when my life had been classified as "normal". In 2007 I purchased a stick and stone home, was working on my masters degree, was married and was upwardly mobile in my long-term career with the State. By 2009 I had lost the job, used my retirement to pay medical bills and tried to save my home, lost it anyway, and hubby left the scene. My solace was that I was not a babbling idiot, at least from the injury.
The "Pay To" accounts I deleted this morning showed all of that. The creditors went from mortgage, insurance, and utilities - the normal range. To massive credit card debt, short-term loans and doctors, doctors, doctors. Then lawyers - bankruptcy and divorce. By the time I deleted the entire list, I was in tears.
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. A lot of my difficulty in moving forward to a new life is not just about establishing a mobile income and moving into an RV. It's about an entire lifetime of corrections - letting go of my old life, accepting what my life is now, and taking action to move into what I want it to be in the future.
After settling into it, the realization allows me to breathe. I accept that it's going to take a lot longer than I would like. I acknowledge that making the corrections, cleaning up the past, is going to be a lot harder than I'd like. And I concede to not be so hard on myself for being behind the curve. I begin here, now, and I will not lose focus or be disheartened.
And, as I said at the beginning, I can do this in a large part because of you. I'll say it again, "Thank you fellow bloggers and followers." On A-List Blogging, Katie Tallo of Momentum Gathering says it best: "Everyday I connect with someone new, and
not just connect, but get to know them, laugh with them, befriend,
share, support and exchange ideas."
I absolutely cannot quit my j.o.b. until I have an RV paid for. I'm pretty sure that by then a mobile income will be the least of my worries, but I have no idea how I will ever be able to pay cash for an RV or van. There was a time when I could have written that check, but not today. I, like a lot of America, now live paycheck to paycheck, and some months, I can't even claim that.
But it will happen. God, the universe, and me (with you beside me) will make it so. My job is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am very grateful for the opportunity to do so. I live in Grace everyday.