Tuesday, December 27, 2011

12/27/11 - Clarification on Family "Ties"

My comments in yesterday's blog about being a 1/2 relative, and in some ways an odd-man-out in my family, made some people sad and they are VERY important to me so I want to clarify.

I have 3 1/2 sisters, a 1/2 brother somewhere I've never met, a step-brother and a step-sister that I am very close to. (And an Aunt and many cousins.) They all have children and grandchildren, and none of us differentiate between half, full, step or otherwise.

Having said that I want to also stress that I love and am loved by some great family members that support and encourage me. There is no doubt in my heart, mind and soul about how much they love me and how close they feel to me, and I to them.

"Family" can also be a relative term (pun intended, grin). One doesn't have to be a "blood" relative to be loved and included as a family member. Agreed. I am blessed to have several of those too.

My point is that even though I love and am connected to special family members, they have bonds I don't have. Other than mother, I have no full-blood relatives on this Earth. The rest of my family have full-blood siblings, children, parents and even grandparents that hold a different place in their heart than I do. AS IT SHOULD BE.  It's okay.

Even though I may mean more to them than perhaps others that they're just not as close to (full-blood or otherwise), I will still never and should never, share that bond they have with their full-blood relatives that they are close to. It's just different for me knowing that I don't have that.

It's not wrong, and it doesn't need to be corrected, it just is.

I don't know how to explain what that feels like on this side - to know that I don't have that type of bond with anyone. It's just something I'm acutely aware of at times. Not all the time, just sometimes, and it usually comes and goes fairly quickly. But it is always a fact that remains.

It doesn't help too that I moved away for at least two decades. I don't care what anyone says, "Absence does not make the heart grow fonder." Trust me.

Also, since I didn't have children, there is a strong sense of separateness that comes with knowing I am the last in my bloodline. The heritage that has culminated in my life, dies with me. Period. There are no others. I really identified with the patriarch Indian in the movie, "The Last of the Mohicans."

If I ever have the courage, I will work on my genealogy. It will be interesting to see who all went before me and what we leave behind.

I wish I had better words to describe this phenomenon so everyone would understand. It is just a bizarre feeling to know you're the last one, and the only one, on this Earth. It doesn't matter how close you are to anyone else, that fact cannot be erased.

Anyway, I hope this helps clarify things a bit. I hear of people that die with no relatives so they leave their money to their cat or a tree or something. I'm not one of those. I don't have that kind of money anyway, plus I have relatives. Some great ones. And as I said before, I love them and they love me. I just don't have the same bonds they have in other areas of their lives.

It's all good. Really. Just a weird consciousness. That's all.

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